Where do you do most of your thinking?

Mine’s usually on my back porch overlooking the rolling hills with a cup of coffee in my hand. But today, it’s in the cramped quarters of an economy airplane seat on my ride back to the US.

Apparently my Netflix episodes didn’t download correctly so I found myself staring out the window reflecting on absolutely everything in my life. So, I guess I’ll go ahead and begin typing them out because what better things are there to do on an airplane? Plus side: I have the seat next to me open so I’m able to sit indian-style without bumping into someone and I have two tray tables: one for my Mac & one for my Delta solo-cup of wine, pretzel sticks, and classic almonds.

I thought it was the boredom that was making my mind wander but, now that I think about it, it’s probably the wine.

There’s still 9 hours ahead of me until I land in the good ole USA, and all I can ponder on is what’s about to come for me in the next few months. Europe was so inspirational for me and it motivated me to do the things I’m doing now. I adored everything about it and I couldn’t have ever imagined leaving.

But here I am, on a flight back to the US.

I guess I’ll go ahead and admit that I don’t know if I’m truly ready for this. I’m the type of person that gets really comfortable in my bubble and, once I have to pop that bubble to wander on to somewhere new, my anxiety kicks in and the stress nearly debilitates my mind. While California is stunning and offers so many year-round activities, Europe continuously overshadows every place I try to compare it to. The history, the architecture, the various cultures, the cascading landscapes and the overall beauty is unmatched to anywhere else.

So, beyond leaving my dream home, my nerves are getting the best of me.

Traveling across the world to live somewhere without even having a place to stay yet is scary. At least I get to do it with my best friend by my side. The only life my husband and I have known together is Europe. This was where we had to figure out how to be married and, even though we still have a lot to learn, I’d say we’re doing a damn good job at it. We’ve had the best opportunities and adventures together and I think that it’s helped our love grow immensely.

But, my goodness, do I have the airplane blues today.

It all started with a tearful goodbye to my hubs. Even though we’ll see each other in 45 days, I feel like I left half of myself in front of customs at the Frankfurt Airport. Then I sit on this damn plane for 10 hours after that goodbye; it’s absolutely heart-wrenching. Normally, when we have to leave each other, I cry for a couple of hours. I will suck it up for a bit and, then out of nowhere–boom–here come the tears again. The best part? All of these people staring at me wondering why I’m crying on an airplane. Yep, I’m that crazy lady.

For 3 years, I have been changing my life every 3 months to split my time between Europe and my husband & home to visit my family and especially my dad, who was diagnosed with cancer. I just didn’t want to miss any important moments the past few years, but the downside was that I felt like I had a double life. It hasn’t even been 2 months since we found out we’d be moving 5600 miles across the world to find a new home, even though we have nowhere to live yet.

While I’m so very fortunate for the experiences I’ve had and the people in my life, some days I look at what I have accomplished and feel as if the only thing I have going for me personally is some measly blog and social media accounts with barely 50 followers. I’d like to feel as if I’m more of a success instead of a failure, and like I’m doing something meaningful.

Maybe California will change that for me.

On another note, the wine in my little plastic cup is weaning away and I need a refill. The thoughts that were captivating my mind are all typed out and I’m feeling a bit better. Thank goodness for blogging, right? Unfortunately, there’s still 8 hours left in my flight, and I’m somewhere over Ireland right now, so I’m sure some more reflection is inevitable.

Maybe if I drink enough wine I’ll get tired enough to quiet my mind. I can only hope.

Ta-ta for now,