The other night, Andy and I shared a bottle of wine (or maybe it was two) and ended up having a pretty emotional heart-to-heart. We don’t really have them often, it seems like guys try to avoid those kinds of things, but this one was much needed and welcomed. The convo wasn’t about those typical marriage subjects like finances, babies or careers, it was about how we would give anything, short of selling our souls, to live in Europe again.
When I think of Europe, I get this crazy intoxicating feeling, like you would with a new and exciting love. The connection I feel with that continent really can’t even be characterized by any set of words. I long for it now that I’m gone and I dream about it almost every night.
A European Love Affair.
Love at First Sight
From that day in 2015, when I first landed on German soil, I felt an instant connection, like one I never knew existed. That first month, we traveled to Dublin, Paris and Amsterdam; I was absolutely head over heels. I had this burning passion inside of me that I’d never felt before, bursting at the seams and completely taking me aback. I was utterly mesmerized by the cultures, languages, food, architecture, scenery, and the feeling of being free to see the world with my best friend by my side.
Then one day, before we knew it, it was all gone…
We left. We packed up everything we owned, other than some bits for donation, and began our trek 5640 miles away. Although it was partially our choice to move back to the US, we never would’ve imagined the emotions that came along with leaving Europe.
When I think about how amazing it was to be living in Germany and everything I miss about it, it makes me feel like someone’s chiseled away a piece of my heart and won’t give it back. Living in Europe gave us many opportunities to explore places we would’ve never imagined going to. We were living spontaneously, always on the go, constantly adventuring and soaking up every moment. Life today seems pretty drab and dull compared to that.
When you’re a little kid you dream about many things: a future career, living in a big city, having a lot of money or a big family. My dream was Paris.
I don’t know what it was or why I was so drawn into the entire French culture and that iconic Tower, but before I was even a teenager I started collecting Paris memorabilia and decor. I was obsessed with everything Parisian, fantasizing of living there one day. I imagined myself riding a bicycle around, with a baguette hanging out of my basket, a beret on my head and sporting a black and white striped shirt. That was my vision of Paris.
I had always dreamt of traveling the world but never thought I’d have the chance. I chalked it up as just that, a dream, and decided I’d throw on the backburner for maybe when I retire.
Making Dreams Come True
Fast forward 15 years, with my dreams of Paris lost somewhere in the midst of real life, my husband found out that he has to move to Germany for work. I was pretty upset at first, as I hadn’t ever really left the comfy confines of my midwest state. Out of the blue one day, the idea popped in my head to look up the distance between where we’d be in Germany to Paris. To my greatest surprise, it was only a 4 hour drive away! I understandably became optimistic about the entire idea of moving and couldn’t wait to get there, and you can probably guess what the first thing I wanted to do was.
On a sunny, spring day in April, we took off in the car towards the City. The entire car ride I’m pinching myself because I can’t believe that all of those birthday wishes and dreams of walking the streets of Paris were about to come true. We arrived at our hotel, located a couple of blocks away from Notre Dame, and begin exploring the Cathedral, Le Jardin du Luxembourg and the Pantheon in the 4th, 5th & 6th arrondissements. The entire time all I could think about was what I really wanted to see. I think my hubs knew it too.
We hop on the subway towards Champ de Mars, my hands clammy and anxiety pumping the entire time, trying to convince myself that this. is. real. life. We come up the stairs from the subway and out onto the street and as soon as the trees cleared away from the sky above us, BOOM!
There she was.
This massive, wrought-iron structure of beauty that I had been dreaming about practically my entire life. It’s right there.
With tears in my eyes and a grin on my face, we made our way to her. I can’t even begin to describe the type of emotions I was feeling. That moment, when something you’ve longed for practically your entire life, is right in front of you; it’s just an untouchable experience.
Losing Your One True Love
Three years later, I visited Paris for my 10th and final time, just weeks before we were moving back to the US. I sat on a blanket beneath the Eiffel Tower, drank wine straight out of the bottle, and breathed a breath of fresh Parisian air. This was the last time I was going to see my dream as real. I didn’t know at that time, and still don’t know now, if I’ll ever see her again or have the opportunity to visit but it breaks my heart knowing it’s not close to me anymore.
So when people tell me I’m crazy for leaving Europe and I don’t know what I lost, trust me, I DO. That feeling I’ve been talking about, you know, the intense longing and adoration one, that’s something I don’t think I could ever get back.
I didn’t know what Europe meant to me when I had it. It was my world away from my home, my teacher of cultural diversification, my outlet for my passion, my dream come true.
This lump in my throat and the pit in my stomach haven’t went away since leaving it. And I’m not sure I’ll ever be the same without it, like a really bad breakup.
A European Love Affair.
Sometimes you just feel like your heart belong somewhere else, and maybe you should follow it 🙂
I couldn’t agree more. I hope someday I have the opportunity to follow my heart again! 💕
This breaks my heart to read 🙁 Can you not move back?
I don’t think I’ve ever been so emotional writing a blog post! But I felt much better after I published it, a little weight off of my shoulders. It depends on my hub’s job, if they want to send him back. A lot of times, you don’t really get to go where you want but we can only hope! I would love to go to Italy next 🙂
I’ve always felt like I’ve had an intense connection to Europe, and I’m not sure where it all began. As a result, I’ve studied in three different countries for extended periods of time: Spain, France, and Italy. I truly feel like my heart is still there even though I’m so far away. I hope you get to go back, even if it’s for a quick trip!
GG | http://www.girlingamba.com
It’s just an unimaginable place! Especially coming from the United States where everything is modern and newly-built. We tear down beautiful, old buildings everyday, whereas Europe restores them. I bet studying in those areas was amazing! I never got the chance to go to Spain, but France and Italy are just beyond beautiful. I know how you feel, our hearts are where we felt like we belonged. Thanks for your comment!
Ohh Charlie, my heart was breaking for you reading this. I 100% understand that passion, that connection to a place that holds a bit of your heart. You have also made me desperate to get to Paris. Despite living in london, I have only ever got to Disney Land in Paris, never Paris itself. I would love to know your most favourite parts of Paris. I will visit them on your passionate recommendation xxxx
Thank you so much for your comment Kerry! I always wanted to visit Disneyland Paris but never had the chance.
Paris is incredible and I absolutely love everything about it, as you probably could tell in this post! I would definitely recommend staying in the 7th arrondissement, close to the Eiffel Tower. That surrounding area is my favorite part of Paris and you can find some decent AirBnb’s with the Eiffel Tower as its view. As far as things to see, you can’t miss the touristy stuff while you’re there. The Louvre is a must-see; the palace is incredible! We usually grab a snack from a vendor and have lunch in le Jardin du Luxembourg. The Catacombs were pretty amazing, too. We always had dinner at the same cafe, called Coffee de Paris, located a couple blocks away from Notre Dame–another must-see. Our nights were always spent on a blanket under the Eiffel Tower with some wine we bought at a shop. Taking a river cruise by sunset is another fabulous way to spend your time there. I could go on & on but I’ve written a novel so far but I hope you get to visit! You’ll have an amazing time!
Charli, what a beautiful love letter to Europe!! I love the way you write this – it gave me goosebumps. I really hope you’ll get the chance to visit Paris again one day or even move back to Europe!
Isa, thank you so so much. I’ve probably read that post over a million times because I poured my heart into it and have felt much better since. I hope I’ll be able to return! Moving back is at the top of our list 🙂
J’m So glad you and the hubby got to have a great talk and this blog post transpired from it! I absolutely love Paris and the Eiffel Tower! I bet that is very hard to be so drawn and in love with a place and not be able to be there. I love dreading about your time there and why you loved it so much- your post is beautifully written. Maybe you both will be able to go and visit again if your hubbies job doesn’t get transferred back.
Thank you so much! Such a wonderful comment to receive! I can only hope I’ll return someday. You’ve got to follow your heart & mine’s in Europe ❤️
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Beautifully written post and it’s really made me appreciate living in the UK, being so close to mainland Europe, being able to visit it every year – growing up with family holidays to France and Germany. I hope you do get to return soon, hopefully for as long as your heart desires! I have a funny feeling that you’re so drawn to it because you’re meant to be there and you will find a way, best of luck xxx
emsirose.blogspot.com
Thank you so much for your comment. You’re so lucky to live in that area! Quick and convenient to get to the mainland and I can’t even imagine growing up with holidays like those! I think I’ll get there again someday, I long for it so much. Appreciate your comment, it made me smile 😊
I have the same feeling for the mid west coast of Wales. We visit often and dream of one day living there. Trouble is our roots back home run deep, maybe soon we will take a gamble and move.
I have never been there but I hear it’s beautiful. Hopefully I can visit someday. That’s how I always was too—family roots kept me from leaving but you must follow your heart! Hope you can make that move 😊
Beautiful post!! I know that feeling of finding somewhere that you instantly connect with and having to leave it behind is heartbreaking. Such a pleasure to read about your Paris dreams and adventure and I hope one day you will be able to return to the beautiful city.
Emma x
emmarollason.wordpress.com
Thank you so much! It’s such a wonderful feeling but devastating when you have to leave. I can’t wait to go back someday! Thank you for your comment! 💛
Awesome post and what a great first month when you initially arrived! I’ve visited Paris, Amsterdam and Dublin most recently and loved them all. Europe is a special place!
Thank you so much! Europe is incredibly special, those 3 places are so amazing!
I really enjoyed reading this! Thank you for sharing, it’s very well written ☺️
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Thanks for checking it out!
This is such a vulnerable blog post to write and it’s so brave of you to be so open! I hope this is a healing time for you – I’m definitely subscribing to your blog, I’ve fallen in love with it ❤️
You are so kind! Thank you so much for your comment, it meant a lot to hear. I am definitely getting by on the beautiful memories I have! I will return someday, even if it takes everything out of me. Appreciate you checking me out and I hope I can continue to create some things you love!
I love this post! I have never been to Europe but can’t wait until the day I get the opportunity to go. Hopefully you will also get the chance to go again soon!
Thank you so much! You definitely should visit Europe when you get the chance. The entire place is just a stunning masterpiece! I only hope to return again someday 🙂
This post is amazing. I know what you mean, I live in the Uk but never travelled I always dreamed of moving to Portland in the US, I guess you always want something new!
The grass is always greener on the other side, right? I’ve never been to Portland but I hear it’s an amazing area! I will return to Europe some day, I know it and I’m ready for it!
This is such an amazing post Charli! I love Europe and I feel so grateful to have been born and raised here, it’s so easy to escape to a completely different city. There’s truly no other place like Europe! I hope you get to come back again sometime soon ❤️
Thank you so much, Amita! You’re so incredibly lucky to be from Europe; it’s such a special place! Hopefully I’ll be returning within the next couple of years, fingers crossed!